Georgette Olaiya: A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Georgette,

Where do I even start without giving you too many spoilers?

Life, love, sex and relationships are going to be an absolute whirlwind but there are lessons behind every turmoil. Some you’ll make sense of, some you won’t, and that’s OK: just try your best to trust the process. Oh, and the start of 2020 will be a lot and that’s me putting it lightly – you’ll see.

You’re going to meet your first love, the first person you’ll open up to (in so many ways) and it’s going to be a journey.

For the most part you’re going to be completely wrapped up in him, every step, every breath, every word he directs your way will consume you.

It will be the kind of love where if he told you the sky was pink and dolphins could fly you’d believe him and argue with anyone who disagreed. This is the man your first sexual experience will be with, he’ll wait till you’re ready and boy, do you make him wait! It will be awkward as hell, you’ll be scared but he’ll comfort you – he was always good at that.

He’ll be a good friend to you, he’ll be a great source of support and the person you’ll have a lot of those ‘OMG I can’t believe she said that about me’ moments with and he’ll listen, he’ll back you blindly and you’ll fall deeper in love with him.

Georgette, I really want you to wholeheartedly enjoy those moments because you have a habit of thinking too far ahead and forget to live your life for now.

Understand that being comfortable with another person, especially someone you love is great, you thrive off comfortability, but that comfortability comes with a risk. The risk of abuse. Not in a physical sense, but an abuse of love and trust.

You’re shy, you’ve not quite found your voice (yet) and the love for yourself isn’t anywhere near where it should be. So you’ll let him do and suggest things you don’t agree with but that’s what you do when you’re in love, right?

You’re going to have a lot of sex, it’s new to you, it’s fun, you’re exploring and trying to be less shy and you’re getting there… kinda. Since he’s more experienced you’re going to pretty much follow his lead. And that’s going to be great, until he throws a spanner in the works and tells you he doesn’t want to wear a condom anymore because ‘it doesn’t feel the same’. What on Earth does that even mean? What’s not the same?

School education has taught you a very simple equation: Georgette + unprotected sex = a teenage pregnancy. So, you’re going to say “no” (this is the start of you finding your voice). You’re going to argue about it with him and he’s going to make you feel like you just told him Lil Wayne isn’t (wasn’t) the greatest rapper alive.

And then he’s going to sulk.
And tell you why you’re a bad girlfriend.
And that he’s sexually unsatisfied.
And you’ll be so scared he’ll cheat or leave you, that you’ll reconsider.
And when you ask him what your options are, he’ll say “the morning after pill”, every time.
And you’ll say ‘OK.’

Boy, you’ll take a lot of trips to clinics and pharmacies within a 24-hour window because you’ve been told that’s when the emergency contraceptive pill is the most effective. You’ll tell the usual lies when they ask, “Why did you engage in unprotected sex?”, from saying the condom split to it fell off and neither of you noticed because the shame and embarrassment is one too high for you to understand.

This is going to be a damaging pattern that you won’t know how to break because you don’t know any better and your trust for another person is more than the love and consideration you should have for yourself and your own wellbeing.

If there’s one bit of advice I could give you, Georgette, it’s to speak to someone. School might not have prepped you for this but there are services that can help you manage the complexity of sex and relationships outside of sex and biology.

The prospect of a suspected miscarriage will break you, shake you, and wake you; and that’s not me trying to scare you, it’s just the truth. Did you know that the morning after pill is called emergency contraception because it’s only meant to be used in an emergency? Not because your boyfriend doesn’t want to wear a condom.

Navigating the type of young woman you are, your desire to please and then throwing sex into the mix won’t be easy. You’ll sacrifice your own sexual happiness and pleasure for another way too many times, you’ll lack accountability, protect way too many egos but, I forgive you.

I forgive you because this will be the making of you, you have no idea what you’re about to do and how many people you’re going to speak for and give a voice to. These once painful and upsetting experiences will make sense I promise.

Until then, stop faking orgasms. Your pleasure matters. Masturbation isn’t shameful. And your heartbreak was necessary.

Love always,
Georgette