Kenny Ethan Jones: A Letter To My Trans Brothers

To my trans brothers,

For the majority of my life I’ve been focused on navigating my gender. As I got older and gained a higher level of self-awareness, I had the sudden realisation that I had paid no attention to any other aspect of my life.

I put all my energy into trying to become happy with who I was, to the point that I never unpacked my sexuality or my sexual pleasures. But now, I’ve come to this conclusion… I am a very proud pansexual, not-so-sure-I-believe-in-monogamy transman.

I spent so long questioning and understanding my gender that I failed to explore my sexuality.

I was solely attracted to women until I turned 22. At the time I was questioning my purpose, my strength and my entire existence – somewhat of a quarter-life crisis. My mum, my best friend, my heart and soul passed away from end-stage alcohol abuse, my childhood dog Lulu was next to go, shortly followed by my dad losing his fight to cancer all within the space of 6 months. I was broken, stripped bare of everything that I knew life to be. I needed a fresh start, and a new experience, so I planned a trip aboard.

I had been speaking to this lovely guy from America. I saw him as a business contact at first (on reflection… I played myself) but there was something about him I just really enjoyed. Before I knew it, I was in Houston Texas experiencing not only a new country but my new found sexual attraction to a man.

I found comfort in the fact that nobody knew me there, I was free to explore myself without the judgement of my family and friends. Being 5000 miles away gave me space to emotionally process this new part of my identity and figure out how I was going to come out – again!

Shortly after I arrived back home, I developed a massive complex. Being attracted to men heightened my gender dysphoria. I started to question what people would say about my transition, as many people don’t necessarily understand the difference between gender and sexuality. Would they ask why did I transition to just end up with men? How would this affect my masculinity? How would this affect my sex life?

The answers are simple… You can identify as a transman and be straight, bisexual, gay or any label of your choosing – your gender identity and your sexual orientation are completely different. You decide what masculinity means to you as there is no actual definition, just the one society sells us to make a profit. Lastly, yes, your sex life will change but this can be a very exciting time, stay open-minded, don’t be afraid of trying new things, listen to your body and learn your likes and dislikes.

I recently started dating this amazing woman and I wish I had met her sooner. She’s intelligent, beautiful and very thoughtful. She introduced me to the idea of consistent consent. Before doing anything sexually she asks me if I’m into it, how I like it, or to tell her how I want it.

It’s the idea of knowing we are on the same page rather than assuming, because my pleasure is important to her. It’s making sure we’re having the best possible sex where everyone feels comfortable, listened to, and enthusiastic – we’ve even started using toys! I must say, it’s made sex way more comfortable and exciting for me.

It can be hard as a transman to have conversations around sex especially touching on the surgery side of things, but it’s important you have those conversations in advance. Don’t sleep with anyone who makes you feel like an experiment, who doesn’t respect your boundaries, or who makes you feel uneasy questioning their sexual health/status.

My understanding of safe sex was the absolute minimal. As transmen, we slipped through the gaps of sex education. I felt so lost, at one point I researched both lesbian and gay sexual advice and just guessed what information was most likely to affect me.

Staying safe became a real concern of mine – especially when it came to sleeping with men. I was unaware of what contraception I should use if any at all, I was unsure if I could become pregnant while taking testosterone.

And if I did seek contraception, what would I use? I can’t take anything with estrogen as it would be counterproductive to my testosterone. I later learned that there are options that are better suited for transmen, so speak to your healthcare professional. There’s also lots of sexual health guides available for trans men and women now (woahhh).

My relationship with sex has changed throughout the years. Now I see it as a route of expression and something to be proud of. As you grow older your needs, wants or sexuality may change and that’s okay, as long as you’re consistently re-evaluating what’s right for you, that’s all that matters.

From one trans brother to another, much love.
Kenny ❤️