Why I'm Not Having Kids

When you picture your life, do you see children in your future? Or do you see something else?

Growing up, you might have got the impression (from books, films, family and wider societal norms) that having children is just something that adults do. Some people can’t wait to have children, but others may feel a sense of pressure or obligation to work towards a life that doesn’t call to them. 

“I didn’t seem to realise it was a choice,” says LeNora Faye, the 41-year-old Co-founder of Childfree Media Ltd. “I remember feeling pressured by a future I didn’t want, angry that the expectation was out there. So, I didn’t want children, but I expected I’d have to have them.” 

In 2024, a study carried out by Southampton University (in cooperation with the international Generations and Gender Programme) with a sample of 7,000 people aged 18-59 in the UK found that less than half of 25-34 year olds said they will definitely or probably have a child.

Fifteen per cent of Gen Zers said they are definitely not planning on having a child, eleven per cent said they probably wouldn’t and twenty two per cent were unsure.

Having a child is a big decision which impacts the rest of your life – and not just your life, but also the life of that child. “As a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist, I often encounter a variety of reasons why individuals or couples choose not to have children,” says Dr. Martha Tara Lee** a Relationship Counselor & Clinical Sexologist.

“These reasons can be deeply personal and multifaceted, encompassing economic, social, environmental, health, relational, and personal growth factors.”

We don’t want you to get the wrong impression: we’re not trying to tell anyone to have or not to have children. It’s your life, your body, and your choice and you deserve to live a life that feels right to you – whether or not that includes kids. 

What we do want is for people to feel empowered to choose a life that is right for them – not judged because it’s not the life someone else thinks they should live.

We know people who choose to be child-free can feel judged and disrespected, and become the recipient of unsolicited opinions and advice. Whether you want to have children or not, it may be helpful to hear the perspective of people who have chosen not to – because their voices, like yours, deserve to be heard.

This article will focus on people who have chosen not to have children and what led them to that decision. We will be using the term ‘child-free’ in this piece to describe people who have decided not to have children, not people who are experiencing fertility issues, cannot have children or are undecided about children. 

It’s a misconception and a stereotype to assume that someone hates children just because they’ve personally chosen not to have them. Not everyone does like children, however, and if you don’t like them why would you choose to have them?

“I don’t like children is the honest answer, but people don’t like to hear it,” says Jill, a 44 year-old admin team leader.

“I didn’t like children when I was a child myself. When we used to go on holiday my sister would make friends with other children around the pool etc. whereas I would actively avoid them behind my book! I don’t want the expense or inconvenience. I don’t want to miss out on things because of having to revolve my life around a child.”

Some people knew they didn’t want to have children when they were children themselves. “I knew from a very young age (probably since my early teens) that I didn’t want to have children,” says Wendy, a 55-year-old writer and artist.

“I never related to dolls when I was little and I never felt comfortable with anyone younger than me. I had felt that I wanted to be sterilised since my late 20s and I had it done in my mid-30s. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and was very liberating.”

Other people chose a child-free life simply because they don’t see children in their future. “There’s nothing specific that led me to the decision to not have kids, more just a feeling deep down that it’s not the path I want to take,” says Chloe, a 31-year-old resource manager.  “I enjoy the freedom I have had so far in my life. When picturing my future, kids just aren’t in that picture.”

Sometimes it can take meeting someone who has chosen to live child-free to make you question your own decision. “I met a child-free man,” says Miracle Dickson, a 26 year-old lawyer.

“I was intrigued by his audacity to think differently. I remember him asking me why I wanted kids. I had never considered the reason because I didn’t even know it was a choice. The first reason that came to mind was: ‘I want to see a mini-me.’ He then asked, ‘That’s it?’ and I mumbled some words.”

“After saying the reason out loud, it sounded superficial to me. When I got home that day, the conversation kept running through my mind. A few days later, I decided to do some research. I read about the reasons for having kids and realised that some people never wanted kids and still lived fulfilled lives. I examined the pros and cons of having kids. The cons outweighed the pros, so I decided to be child-free.”

Some people have always known they won’t have children and enter relationships with that boundary in place, whilst others come to a mutual decision with a partner. “I made a decision along with my partner,” says Sophy, a 36-year-old data analyst.

“Along the way we had lots of small talks but a few years later we had a big talk and realised that we didn’t see kids in our future. I’m a firm believer that kids should be actively wanted – not just done because it’s what we do. Being a parent is an incredibly difficult job. I just think if your heart and head aren’t 100% in it you shouldn’t do it.”

Having a child is an intense physical experience and for some that is a major factor behind their decision not to have children. “The idea of giving birth terrifies  me,” says Lesley, a 31-year-old maths tutor. “I’ve had vaginismus forever and both myself and my sister were born by c-section.”

Some people also want to avoid not being able to meet their child’s needs. “I struggled a lot in my childhood because my parents didn’t understand how to communicate with me,” Lesley continues. “I don’t want to put another person through that, and I don’t think I can anticipate what kind of a parent my hypothetical child would need, so there’s no way I can guarantee I wouldn’t mess it up.”

The effects of epigenetics and intergenerational trauma are becoming more prevalent, and some people choose not to have children because they want to end the cycle. “I want to stop the cycle of abuse and intergenerational trauma that was passed down to me from my mother/parents,” says Miriam, a 37-year-old mental health social worker.

“Sometimes I wonder if I’d started my own inner work a decade earlier, would I feel more confident in my ability to be a parent? But I’ve made peace with my choice at this point in my life. The idea of being responsible for trying not to mess up another conscious human being is honestly too much for me and I guess there is also an element of not wanting to bring them into a somewhat apocalyptic world.”

For others, having children just doesn’t fit in with the lifestyle they naturally gravitate toward. “Throughout my thirties I told myself it was time to settle down, to stop going out so much, to find a sensible partner and to transition to being more grown up and sensible and getting married, buying property with my partner and having babies,” says Harriet Parker, a 41-year-old psychotherapy student.

“But in practice neither the lifestyle nor the sensible steady partner tempted me very much and I kept on partying! I also thought quite seriously about having children on my own, especially when a few close girlfriends also thought about that. But even though I’m in a fortunate position in many ways, having children alone looked like a very challenging path for me to take, and I was unsure about bringing children into the world with the certain knowledge that they wouldn’t have a biological father to connect with.”

Some people find it hard to accept that other people might have different goals, aspirations and future plans than their own. 

“I had a horrible date centred around this,” says Marwan Awar, a 35-year-old independent travel agent. “It felt like she was trying to push whatever buttons she could.  First it was all ‘I hear when it’s your own it’s different’.  I reiterated that I didn’t want kids and explained my reasons. And then she said: ‘What if you meet the perfect woman and she wanted kids or it’s a deal breaker?’ I said: ‘Well number one, the perfect woman wouldn’t want kids.’”

“I told her I got snipped and said it wasn’t happening. She laughed. ‘What are you laughing at?’  ‘That’s a bit extreme,’ she said. ‘You should have waited until you were sure before getting snipped.’ Imagine thinking it was appropriate 10 – 15 minutes into a date to question someone’s decision to get snipped and telling them they should have waited until they’re sure, especially when you barely know them or their background.”

Other people were surprised at the lack of backlash against their decision. “I was quite nervous about telling my mum,” says Miriam.

“But she accepted it without question which was a significant relief and I’ve never felt overly pressured by friends or society. I have actually met a small handful of mothers who have validated my choice by expressing that they actually regret their decision to have children. I found this very reassuring and felt humbled by the courage and authenticity demonstrated by these women in openly admitting such a taboo fact.”

“I thought that if I found myself at my current age (41) without children, I’d fall into a deep depression of having failed in my – and society’s – intentions for my life,” says Harriet.  “But actually it felt like a huge relief. I realised a few years ago that if I’m not going to spend this stage of my life caring for my own children then it’s important for me to find purpose in being altruistic in other ways.”

“I volunteer with a range of charities and I’m on a career change journey from banking and finance towards psychotherapy. When I spend time with friends who have children I see how much joy the children bring them, but I also strongly feel that the autonomy and freedom of my own life suits me better and I’m happy with how things turned out. And I’m excited for all the things I’ll hopefully be able to do with all the extra free time I now have over the coming decades!”

“I feel at peace with it 99% of the time,” says Miriam. “Of course I have those moments of fear when I start to think about old age, but then I always remind myself of this article I read once by a woman who didn’t want kids and she pointed out that the only reason anyone should have a child is out of love and never out of fear and that really stuck with me.”

“A friend also once said to me that there are many ways to be a mother without actually having a child and that’s something that always stayed with me as well. I think I’ll still live a very meaningful, connected and expansive life without having kids. All in all, I definitely feel positively about my decision not to have kids and if I’m totally honest, it doesn’t even feel like a decision or choice, more so that it was written in the stars and never my destiny. The buck stops with me, baby.”

“I feel great about not having kids!” says Lesley. “My energy is best spent doing something I’m good at, and that means I can contribute best to the next generation by helping a few kids every year do better in their maths exams. I love tutoring but I don’t want to see any of my students for more than an hour a day. I’m happy with how I am.”

“I feel empowered,” says LeNora Faye. “This was a choice I made from a place of inner peace and it still feels right. I love the evolution of me and being in my 40’s, I’m excited to continue to champion choice awareness. Although, I hope that not having kids becomes normalised in my lifetime so we can talk about other things.”

“Relieved!” says Wendy. “It’s a minefield bringing up children in this day and age and I have the utmost respect for parents. I feel that now I’m in my mid-50’s I’m done with being defensive and feeling ashamed of my life choices. It’s important to show women that they do have choices and there is nothing wrong with choosing a path less travelled. It doesn’t make us bad people!”

If you don’t want to have a child – now or ever – and you find yourself in a situation where your regular contraceptive fails or you have unprotected sex, then ellaOne® is the best-selling morning after pill in the U.K. *

*Based on sales data. Verify at ellaone.co.uk/verify 

** The healthcare professionals quoted in this article do not endorse any products or brands